Mad Chaos Random Text

Diary Of A Mad Chaos: Tuesday, April 8, 2003

Hark came the anticipated day, the controversial pecuniary matter before me needing a dieted discipline of resolute judgment to succeed.

I was paid today, and in town was an encore of appointments to attend.

It was a planned day of direction, demanding no less than stringency when it came to the apportioning.

I had a just cause not to stray from, and no demons to fleece my discretion.  And so today was thankfully exclusive of many concessions.

As piercing sounds of gyrating metal on metal woke me up one hour into the afternoon today, the focus began.

Waking Up To A Depleted Fridge

I showered and brushed my teeth loosely faint on objectives, and then raided my depleted fridge.  Only a banana and cereal were contained inside worthy of an appetizer.  So this was breakfast.

I was short on bread, on greens and fillets of fish.  The dairy section was a joke too.  About the only meal not made up of loose assortments were eggs and cereal.  So, the money in my bank account was well welcome.

Taking down some mental notes as the computer powered up, Snoop was the jazzy invigorator, his tunes abetting my focus as sums were written down and spoonfuls of cereal entered my mouth.

The minutes no longer squandered, once the totals were added up and agreed on, it was time to head out the door and to the shops to account for my pay.

Preparing For The Centrelink Psychologist Assessment

Composed as could be by the untroubled sleeps of these last few nights, it caused me little concern wondering whether the money would be there, considering my last written entry worked against my appointment at the anxiety clinic.

I was scheduled to see a Centrelink psychologist as well for reasons of assessing my ability to work ever since my doctor helped place me onto a more tended arrangement, which was a settlement worth three months that would reserve me from looking for a job.  I needed it because the extension of anxieties owed to expectations of Centrelink increased my stress.

I needed to separate myself from added pressures to focus on the importance of getting healthy; and the insecurity of influence Centrelink had over me was just another anxiety unneeded.

I sought this treaty immediately during my overwrought visit to see the doctor a month ago, during the irregular syndromes of anxiety, the deep depressions, and the traps and intricacies associated with helping myself.

I could see no way out back then.

Battling With Depression And Anxiety

Other unresolved matters – like how the doctor asked me to seek work – always complicated the answer to everything because it was impossible to gain any confidence or even to successfully hold down a job without ridding the root of anxieties first.


I would worsen my condition of anxieties because its insecurities would subjugate any benefits, further destabilizing me.  However, to rid these anxieties needed me to revert from paranoid depression, or in the least, to move out from this cause of controversy.  But again, doing so would require financial security, and that is impossible to achieve when so distraught with fears.

I would need regularity in sleeping instead of insomnia too, but in order to do that, the intricacies have to be solved.  So, the whole situation was perplexing.

I knew it would help my cause if one grounds of anxiety were vetoed however, and while it was impracticable to continually rebuff my parents or to suffer the panic attacks of seeking work, and deplorably expensive to rent hotels or find space in other ways, my only option to lastingly ease the pressure was by seeking this annulment of one objective.

Taking Baby Steps With Anxiety

I had to straighten out my life without this emasculator overshadowing me.  I had to close in on goals delicately instead of with risk, and take baby steps on fates I could control.

Surviving in employment was too complicated for me.  I wouldn’t be able to control frailties like panic attacks in its environment considering my current circumstance.

I am however able to have a more positive bearing on improving my diet, or with gradual confidence, closing in realistically on other goals.

Losing weight is another healthy accomplishment and one that can be gauged.  It defines an achievable drive and motivates me towards it because the alternative is high blood pressure and strokes due to bad cholesterol.

I feel like I can make steady progress in these ways and as its practice becomes familiar, confidence builds.

Applying techniques of diet and commitment to losing weight are therefore a reasonable enterprise towards independence.

I would need someone to hold my hand now in order to cope with work, which is unexpected of to gain its independence.

I thrive however on what now gives me confidence minus added pressures, and so in order to thrive even more, the significance of sensible spending with my money mattered because progress was on the line, and demons had to be fought in order to teach my mind that good judgment was not out of reach, which thankfully, the lesson persevered.

Appointment With My Nutritionist

Clear and present with my agenda, the first visit once cashing up and catching a bus into town was to visit my appointed time with a nutritionist.

I liked her.

She was young and practical, wearing a subtle suit and diplomas on her wall, as we discussed a dietary regime for over an hour.

I noticed her quiet hands and a ring finger humbled by diamond.

Ours was a swept-away conversation however, with me at times casually reclined or proactively engaged.  Comfortable as our eyes were direct, the old adorable sarcasms charmed; too long by anxieties kept in the vault.

I even surprised myself with the extent of vocabulary today, surprised at my worded accord and the unending ceiling of its capacity.  I was attuned to the writer mental lexicon moreso than usual, and its faithful effortlessness in sentence made me not the nervy succinct, but sophisticating for a change.

Anyway, it was neither a claustrophobic moment nor a case of self-preservation, nor were anxieties around to intimidate the intimate or myself.

I thrived rather than survived, and the belief in my ability proved impeccable to spread confidence.

Visiting The Pharmacy For Social Practice

Following our assessment and the fondness shared on my dietician’s profession, I led my way to the chemist across and inside to the main edifice for practice.

The time at the chemist allowed me to purchase a repeat of pills and also to trial a few sets of sunglasses before settling on one.

There the familiar face whose highlight always has me smile when she presents the prescription and asks me for my signature greeted me.

I like our relationship as well because she seems a sincere person who cares, and so it never presented any untoward anxieties from me.

Panic attacks frequently happen around certain friends because of eroded lines of communication and uncertainty in expectations, but it hardly happens anywhere else.

I used to be extensively awkward in public situations once because of my insecurities, but I learnt to dispose of unrealistic expectations.

I used to be desperate to please people because my rut in life depressed me, but coming home empty-handed only intensified the pain.

I learnt how unattractive insecurities were and how it was worst to be pitiful and pitied, and now choose instead to be one with.

I am not anxious about my status in life anymore because it doesn’t appear like a rut.  The relief in some areas conveys in the others, and as long as there is some uniform positive progress, then old insecurities will never be, and that is why a relationship with the lady at the chemist behind the counter is looked forward to now instead of loathed.

I am no bundle of nerves any longer.  I am comfortable in my own skin and growing to appreciate it again, and it is a reward that my lifestyle sees, to look in the mirror and delight in the progress, and grin, and imagine what one day I can achieve.


Looking For Sunglasses To Hide My Eyes

Last weekend two nights back when Tyler Grey and me drove to service Imad, my eyes were keen for shades because it would have removed the remnants of intimidation when in crowded places walking.  But for the lack of a teller machine, it never came to be.

I used to loathe any ventures down the street back in my reckless marijuana days unless when wearing glasses, since they shielded my insecurities and those who directly saw them.  I was weakened without protection much to assist demise, and now the reasons were similar, although not as severe.

Glasses are now a comfort factor, the easy way to be worriless, and it was one sigh of vindication when wearing them.

Cheap and plastic, they weren’t ostentatious in any way, so the element of paranoia was with their purchase quashed too.

Anyway, it inspired a dance in front of my mirror tonight once coming home.  I had on one of two pairs of pants also bought for the gym, which further takes away those idiosyncrasies discomforting, the ones of outdated clothes and feeling inadequate.

Seduced At The Hairdresser

The rest of my money was spent on provocative time at the hairdressers, and on local rounds shopping for food.

I almost blew my cool there at the hairdressers too, as girls in the background with perky boobs, shapely asses and perfect waists positioned themselves in view of my mirror, and the lady fondling my follicles taunted me with subtle rubs of bodies, and boobs seeking attention near my face.

“I am getting married in two days,” she said, stroking an affectionate hand through my hair as if she was looking to have one last flirt.  Her breasts seduced me, voluptuous for a lady in her thirties.

I was fine to keep it imaginative as she incised to a lesser inch of hair.  But once she offered me a rinse and began ramping me up with an expressive head massage, her fingers thoroughly pressed, and with me responsively active, it was hard to keep composed.

How she did it made me immensely horny to the point that only she would have noticed it turning me on.

Fortunately for me, their salon was deserted of customers being so late in the afternoon, as the lady titillating me with her massage noticed my erecting reaction, and prolonged my suffering a little longer.  I hope the coverings draped over me did the trick but if not, then perhaps the fiancée got her just thrills.

Whatever the case, I kind of wish it never happened because the tease made me ravenous with sex drive.  I was ballistic for release after the show of delicious girls prancing around, and the fiancée surreptitiously parading.

Sexually Frustrated Return Home

I was sapped of willpower and ready for a massage parlor to be visited and would have too, had it not been for my bank account shutting me out.

I could almost have warmed my hands how my cock was so hot but for my sake; luckily the bus was immediate in showing up on my vigil back home.

The sensation was unbearable but conversation with a familiar female face calmed me down, as the shopping was done and tension was released via two heavy plastic bags.

I recovered once home too, and not immediately.  Sure it was a disappointment but millions of men out there experience it the same, until they eventually gain the courage to chat someone up.

Counting My Small Achievements

Anyway, first the dirty dishes busied me, as a hip-hop revival blasted from the speakers in my room.

I shaved afterwards, charmed to see that my face was worthy of a goatee now.

Yes, my aura was definitely deserved today, and as the gym beckons me tomorrow poised with renewed self-esteem, it will only reaffirm how progress has changed me, and how drive has made me resolute.

This fortnight was a bonus because it managed the material side of my wants, as well as the needs of paying off my dues, and it managed the groceries as well, which makes me one step closer to being debt solvent, and accommodated by my purchases.

I strive for this balance all the time but usually the demons get in the way.

A fortnight’s worth is still there to make me stumble nevertheless, but today was the most challenging part, and it only gets easier to control myself now that the hard part is over.

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Author: 钨宝

The author of Diary Of A Mad Chaos from 1996 to 2018, The Lost Years book, Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘) book series, and Foreigner (华人) an exploration of race relations in Australia. Fluent in Chinese Mandarin, Macedonian, and English, the author currently resides in China, Guangzhou where he continues to make comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies.

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