Feeling Ignored By Lyssa
Just coming back from a long day at Lyssa’s house I realized something important and frightening. I believe that Lyssa doesn’t appreciate all the things I do for her.
Walking to her house today I walked in and sat down with her to watch TV. Hating the way she just ignored me, as if I was one of her friends. Feeling that I gave her one kiss but found it hard.
Lyssa made me feel as if I shouldn’t have kissed her, and keeps denying me, making it hard. That’s the reason I didn’t make the first move AT ALL after that kiss.
I was afraid that if I tried then I’d get knocked back, and I can’t handle that rejection too often.
Adecco Centacom Offers Temp Position
In my own world I sat down outside on the veranda. Sharon called me about my job. It took me a while to get to my phone. Answering my phone wrong, I wrecked my chances somewhat. Sharon is giving me a chance as a temp for one week. If my job is good then I’ll be placed as a full time.
The Three Things I Despise About Lyssa
Sitting back outside, I put my glasses on so Lyssa couldn’t see the pain and hurt in my eyes. Staring at the sky, I thought and thought.
Lyssa came out and asked me, “Name three things that you despise that I do.”
Not wanting to answer that, I asked her to answer first. She wouldn’t. That was on my mind most of that night and is still on my mind.
The three things are she doesn’t understand me, she gets angry and frustrated easily, and the most important, she doesn’t show affection to me in ways that I can appreciate it.
When I say she doesn’t understand me, I mean that she can never determine what I’m thinking and render the problem. She’ll ask me what’s wrong. Instead of getting an answer, she’ll run away.
Feeling Uncertain About Relationship With Lyssa
When Lyssa asks me, “Do you want me to leave you alone,” I want her to stay and make me feel better, but she never does.
I should have been asking me from the start, “What’s wrong with Lyssa” instead of leaving her everyday and having her and her friends ask the same thing about me.
Right now I’m uncertain about the whole situation. Lyssa’s birthday is very soon. I know what I’m getting but I’m not sure. I’m just not sure about anything.
Do I want to carry on for the rest of the relationship always making the first move and wondering if I’ll be rejected? Or should I be like her previous boyfriends and leave before it gets worse.
That’s why most of her boyfriends left. They had seen all the effort they would put in and then leave with no feedback.
When she told me the first time that I was the first guy that’s taken her this far, past the kissing phase, I believed her. Now I don’t know what to believe.
The Girls Interrupt Us
Bielka, Penelope and Velda came over and stayed for an hour or more, as did Toby, her boy best friend. I want to be the person that always treats people, but I find it hard without feedback. I hate it and I’m getting pissed off.
When everyone left, we went into her room but I didn’t touch her or show her any affection. How long could it possibly take for someone to get the picture?
Lyssa said to me, “You were thinking all day today. I was thinking FUCK! There can’t be that much things that he doesn’t like.”
Sitting there with her, we conversed and lay on the same bed. But she never really made an attempt. What is going through her mind.
Does she really like me, or is she going out with me for the fact that she’s going out with someone.
Attempt To Meet Lyssa Halfway
Imad and Ali came to pick me up. I left with Lyssa wondering what was wrong. She said bye bye as I walked to the door without a sign of a kiss.
Stopping in my tracks, I turned and asked her, “Is there anything else that you’re forgetting?”
“No,” she replied without knowing what she said.
That pissed me off. I didn’t want to leave, so I asked her to come to me. She wanted me to come to her. Now I was getting pissed off. She wanted to meet halfway. But the thing is I made the attempt to get to the halfway point. She didn’t. She never fucken does!
For once in our life as a couple I would like for her to come up to me and just hold me, kiss me all in her own time, all on her own. That’s all I ask.
For the most beautiful people are ugly without affection, are nothing but a shadow in the darkness without a touch from their heart.
Eager To Call Jewell
Now I’m going to call Jewell because she’d be worried from last night. Then I’m going to worry about how Lyssa is feeling. How could she play a game like this?
When she plays the game I don’t like it but I give up. But when I play the game with her and don’t give up, she gets worried and stressed towards me. She doesn’t know what to think.
If only Lyssa knew how I felt, she would understand how she makes me feel every single day.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
