There are about three to four hours before my planned leave to head up and see Imad this afternoon, and while a surmounting force of entries still lies in wake to be reckoned with, the rapping done mid midnight yesterday, although in poor quality, was a good case of the head java.
Record A Hip Hop Track
My state in these last thirteen days has been fairly tragic; moving helplessly unenthused from one moment to the other. However, flexing on the mike last night allowed me the mood to shake clear the cobblestones in my head, and for my drama to clear as we write today.
My style has been bludgeoned particularly in these last few days, where it never seemed there was an end to this harasser apathy, but now the short jingle on the microphone has straightened me up in a redefining sense.
Some sense and clarity comes to the fore as the writer confides then, and while its timing leaves me shorthanded inside the first thirds of philosophy this month, hopefully with this appetizer and a nice swift day out, things will get better and change.
Recaping The Last Thirteen Days
The last thirteen days and its mood ensuing have been restrictive on my styled writing because it shuts out formalities of thinking, opting for abnormal ones instead.
Drinking Kahlua
There was a bit of Kahlua sipping done sporadically between all these days but because milk tends to gas me up and alcohol isn’t as easy as cordial to drink, most of it was done in moderation.
Social Anxiety Stemmed
Some generalized certainties in all these days however were the absence of my social anxiety stem of coughing, especially at night when my parents got to sleep. You can attribute that mostly to my earlier nights as well, or probably to concentration in my games. But my point is that it was fading from being such a conscious issue.
The Lesson Of Abstinence From Medication
I had no pills in these last ten or so days, learning from it that to avoid irrational anxiety, one has to dissuade those bubbling thoughts from the mind, whenever they may choose to surface.
I only cough or grow anxious when made conscious or thinking about it, so the only way to nominally remain abstinent from my condition, apart from taking pills, is to not think outside of rational behavior.
How To Manage Anxiety
Once the snowball begins, my only learned way to stop falling prey to anxiety is medicinally in unconscious escape, where one goes and distracts themselves unconditionally with whatever is on their mind.
I stumbled across this rule of thumb when trying to sleep two nights back, and the consciousness of trying to sleep evoked my coughing anxieties. I found the only way to turn it off was in losing myself to whatever my imagination dimly painted on the insides of my eyelids closed, and then to grow immersed in that until you haphazardly forget what you were growing so worried about.
The method seemed to work in shutting out my concerns but it would never have aided if this condition of mine had never seen the light of day. Now I can fight it head on instead of in the shadows – this social anxiety known – and it is a personal relief because it was so frustrating having a condition not knowing quite where to put your finger on it.
Diverting Focus To Ameliorate Anxiety
Anyway, the whipper-snipper people are out the front hedging their lawns, whatever the term for that is, so it would probably be best for me to finish up while ahead, preparing for today.
In wrapping up however, and with no exponential advances in word, yesterday was spent on the computer nursing this crap head disorder until it cleared up in me today, thanks probably to the microphone session.
Socially Anxious Telephone Call
I talked to Imad two or three days ago as well, which was a pretty rickety call on my behalf, since my anxieties decided to spring back up when surprised, holding back the dam until we eventually had to go. Nevertheless, this talking point was where the idea of visiting began, and so now it comes to fruition as expected.
Imad’s phone has been off the hook at home for a couple of nights and he thinks he left his mobile phone at his sister’s house, which explains why it always diverted me to voicemail.
Losing Momentum In Friendships
I was thinking too that the time was growing longer since we had talked, and usually that is a bad sign because it causes me more consternation about making the moment happen.
Anyway, our talk was a little tragic but then telephone talks in general are this way. I am not so good at verbalizing, probably because of this anxiety issue but the writer finds no problem in conveyance, it seems.
Anyway, that is it really, these last two days were ultra turbulent because of an utter devastation in the wall that it became, but now it is over, and possibly, it will yield a formidable last two weeks as an end-on.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
