East vs West

Mad Chaos: Friday, October 18, 1996

Diary Of A Mad Chaos

Visited Valerie A Final Time

Today I learnt deep sorrow. I know this choice is for the best of my future.  I went over to Valerie’s house.  There were some people there that I knew, and that didn’t really bother me.  It was raining badly and I rode over in the rain.

I knew that the day wouldn’t go good but I had to go there to settle the matter.  If I didn’t go and settle the matter I would have been a wreck, and I would rather get the matter sorted out.

I went in and I knew nothing was going to happen between her and I.  The two guys that were there that I saw when Imad and I were there were going home.  As soon as I got there you could feel the atmosphere change.  I am the one to blame mostly for no reason at all but myself.



I cringed for all the night not talking much and feeling inappropriately placed for the time I was there.  I didn’t feel right but I wanted to stay until I could talk to her.  I had it all planned out in my head before I came but it all got confused and nothing came out.  Nick was there, Berenice’s ex boyfriend since that night.  They were spending time with him, making me expendable.

I’ve been lonely before but I was very far away and lonely in my memories.

Valerie Breaks My Heart

Berenice said to me after half an hour that Michelle wanted to be friends.  I knew that was coming.  What was I to do after that but just play along and tell her I want to be hers.

I called her outside so I could talk to her and that was the best thing to do at the time.  We talked and it finally came clear what was happening.  She wanted to get back with Cole – the one that was going out with her for four months and I was just  “The Other Guy” that was seeing her in the meantime.

Leaving Valerie

I left her house giving her hugs.  I felt uneasy leaving her not knowing what is going to happen next.  I just wanted to give her one more kiss right there and let that be the last.  That will be the end of it, but I am lost because it didn’t happen, because I didn’t ask.

Playing with a person’s emotions is not good to do and I have learnt a very valuable lesson.

Leave For Home

I turned for the last time and faced away from Valerie and walked away with my bike.  I rode home, the rain was pouring.  I just wanted to stop somewhere and just sit down, in the rain, and uncloud my mind.

I rode home and stood outside my house in the rain for a while before going inside.  I remembered in that short time we had together how we got along, and the things we did.

I got inside and tried to forget it but I know I won’t forget for a while.

She has an effect on men and me.

The Story Of Lavender

I have to recite a story I heard.

There was a guy who was called Lavender, and he used to get around on his racer because he was going to ride professional one day.  He thought that cars were bad because they gave pollution to the skies.  He didn’t do anything bad like smoke drugs, or drink, spit, but done all the finer things in life.

In came a woman in his life called Valerie, who changed his life with her attitude and her personality.  They went out and done all the things in life that a couple do.  They were opposite to each other with Lavender loving the finer things in life and Valerie liking smoking and being bad.  Lavender was said to be a deviant, and Valerie to be a tease.

Valerie had such a beautiful body and personality that many guys were after her and one way they done this is let her drive their sporty cars because they knew that she would love this.  For Lavender to see her eyes light up every time she was behind the wheel would make him feel on top of the world for seeing her happy, and it would see him with remorse that he could never afford a car to give to her.

He set a vow that he would work very hard every day and work up for a sporty car that he could give to Valerie, just to watch her eyes glow up.  He rarely spent much time with her and he never told her that he would get a car for her to keep it a secret.

He worked for two years straight nonstop without any days off and he saved up enough money to buy her the car of her dreams.

The day he went to show it to her she was out, and there was a note left on the doorstep of his house.  The note read “I am sorry but, I have found true happiness with Cole, it is over”.  Cole was the person that would always come over and let her drive his sporty car.  While I was never there, she got to know him more and more because of the car.

Lavender didn’t want the car he had bought for Valerie.  He just wanted to get Valerie back, but he knew that it was too late to turn back.

Lavender drove around in the car that would have made his life complete and ironically made his wife light up, which is all he wanted.  With his mind and judgment clouded he drove the brand new car and his thoughts of his love to the wharf, and over it… and ended his life because Lavender could not live without Valerie.



That doesn’t apply to me, but part of that story holds true to me and I feel it deep down.

The Tragedy Of True Love

True love is hard to find and Valerie wasn’t it.  I’d hate to say it but it was lust more than love.  I don’t even want to say that word LOVE because it hurts me to think that all the girls I have known have hurt me in some way.

“Before I let you go, can I get a Kiss Goodnight Baby?”   BLACKSTREET.  I felt that so much but it didn’t happen.

But whatever happened tonight it is to turn into good luck because the chain I hold and have worn for the past year and more holds true.

“From every moment in my life, whether it is good or bad, violent or serene, there is always a show of something good to come out of all of it.  My life unfolds how I want it to by my choices, and if I make a bad choice, it will be corrected bringing out another situation that prepares me for the rest of my life on this earth”.

That’s what my good luck charm is, The Golden “T” is with me everywhere in any situation I am in to guide me through the right choice for the future whether it is good or bad.

Shattered Memories

That is the first time I was put in that situation, and it makes me mad to think that she can take me so seriously and let me do so much with her, but when the moment passes, she just forgets me.  I still can’t believe it.

We spent the night together, I just slept beside her, and it meant so much to me to just sleep next to her.  It meant so much to me that we cuddled and had passion, and we learnt so much about each other.  In one night and one day I learnt all this about her.

We held hands while walking everywhere out on the streets.  We talked about what we both wanted.  I watched her eyes light up when I was playing the piano.  It made me happy to think that she was here with me, inside my heart, inside my life.

Then it was shattered by her memories.  I didn’t want to lose all that, but I guess it has to happen.

I didn’t think I’d crack so soon about the situation, but just thinking of her listening to me play the piano tears me up to think she will never feel the same way.

A tear rolls down my cheek.

The feeling is not the same anymore losing something that made me feel so good and was so dear to me at the time.

Taking Things Day By Day

Right now I just want to take it day by day.

Tomorrow I am going to go with Imad to the parade thing for the year twelve graduation.  He is picking me up at 8:30 am.

After that Valerie said she is going to ring me, and I can befriend her, but I don’t know if I can look into her eyes and think of her as a friend.

I am hurt, I admit it.  I need healing, and in time, I will heal.



Author: 钨宝

The author of Diary Of A Mad Chaos from 1996 to 2018, The Lost Years book, Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘) book series, and Foreigner (华人) an exploration of race relations in Australia. Fluent in Chinese Mandarin, Macedonian, and English, the author currently resides in China, Guangzhou where he continues to make comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies.

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