Mad Chaos: Sunday, July 28, 1996

Diary Of A Mad Chaos

Thinking About Kathryn

Mariah Carey and Boys to Men is in the background helping me to relax.  I class this song as mine and Kathryn’s.

Just before I turned the computer on, I was thinking to myself, how me and Kathryn were one.  I can’t really talk now about it because my mind goes blank when I think about it.  Every time I try to write something about us, my mind goes blank, unless I am over-dramatizing.

I just can’t wait until she comes back, because then I can feel for someone the way someone will feel for me.

The Movie ‘Singles’

I guess those feelings were brought on by the movie called ‘Singles’ I just watched on TV.  It was a good movie.   I thought of how Kathryn would react to the movie if we were sitting in my room, hugging each other tight, watching, and learning from the movie.

No one else came into my mind and no one came close to it.

I just want to see her facial expressions once more, the way she made me laugh, express myself make me feel good, and tell her things I have never told anyone else before.

Stuck For Words As The Date Looms

I’m stuck for words as the date comes closer of the 18th of August.  I keep thinking to write a letter to her but I always back out to give her time, but time for what.

I feel that I’m afraid to get too deep with someone and I am too young for that sort of burden on my shoulders.  I try to put her behind me, try to put her in the past, but my love for her was too strong.

And I am afraid to say I love her but, I did not lust her and it is more than just liking her.  It is more than just making love to her.  It is being there with her all the time when she needs me and to make decisions that will affect the both of us, not by myself but with her.

I do not feel inclined to talk about her anymore.  Now I am depressed to even go onto another topic, but let me try.

I know I have to be strong about this because many times I just think about her and it hurts to think any more but I have to stay strong and stay focused about the now and think about her when the time comes.

It is hard and many days I have shed a tear for her, but I would feel better knowing, right now, she was thinking about me in the same way that I am thinking about her.  It would put my mind at ease.

Emotionally In The Pits

Today I woke up at 1:00 pm and spent all day at home from that moment until now.  All I did today was watch TV and play the computer because it was raining.

It was boring, it was lonely, but time elapsed and passed by.

I was going to go for a bike ride today but it was raining all day.  That put a damper on the day’s ride.

Planning Ahead

I am going to do Biceps, Triceps and Calves tomorrow.  My Calves still ache and also my Chest aches from yesterday, my back a bit and my quadriceps still hurt.