Mad Chaos: Wednesday, October 16, 1996

Diary Of A Mad Chaos

Valerie Pikes On Movie Date

Valerie was supposed to come over today.  She was going to come over at 6:00 pm and onwards.

Yesterday I showed her my Hommie Bear and the sign he holds.  Yesterday I said that the Hommie bear applies to her.  If she hasn’t called me for a reason, then we have ended our relationship before it has even started.

I went to Airds to get a movie today.  I got us Shawshank Redemption and some other movies to keep me busy until she came.  I called her twice.  Both times no one was home.

I was very aggravated so I went home to think for a while.

Visit Nina

What made me more angry is I rode to see Nina.  She told me that Sam had gotten a letter from Kathryn and that it had a picture of her in it, but she told me that mine was going to come soon if there was one to come.  That makes me extra furious because I might get it and I might not.  If I do, then that will completely change how I approach Valerie if I am still with her.

The Soul Mate Riddle

Right now, I think that Valerie is a more smarter and better built person than Kathryn, but Kathryn also has her beautiful traits.  I asked myself one day long ago, If I was going out with (let’s just say) Kathryn and she isn’t my soul mate, then one day my soul mate comes along – which is Valerie (let’s just say), then the question is, who will I choose, and how hard will it be to make a decision?

On one hand, the person that I was attached with before my soul mate came along, I would not want to deceive because that is the person I am with.  But to live my life knowing that I could have gone with my soul mate would be terror.  That is what I was plagued with earlier on today, and this is just making it a lot harder on me.

Deep Sorrow And Isolation With Valerie

I was looking at it from two perspectives.  She could either have not been home and been out without a guy that she likes, or she could have been out with a guy that she likes and not bothered to call me.

I have never felt more sorrow in one day in my life.  When Kathryn left I was very sad and had much sorrow, but I had friends to pull me through, because everyone knew the situation and they liked her.  Not even the passing of Lake Curtis had this much sorrow because I had lots of people to share with my feelings and make me feel better about it.

This time it is Valerie that hits me deep in my heart and makes me just want to get away, making me feel like I’m in a little dark corner and I can’t get out.  This time no one knows of my sorrow, because I feel that if I tell anyone, then they will tell me that they told me so, and I don’t want that.  I just want the truth.

Rode To Campbelltown

I went to Campbelltown to see who was down there.

Mawson Park Rage

Then I went towards Mawson Park.  I got in the park and got crazy and just threw the bike to the ground and started kicking it.  I then picked it up.  I sat on a bench and fixed up the chain that had come off.  I was aggravated and I needed to let off some more tension.

Visit Rory At Pizza Hut

After I fixed my bike, I went for a bike ride and saw Rory.  I went into Pizza Hut.  That cooled me down.

Visit Lookout

I went up towards Broughton.  I went to the lookout because Rory told me they were up there.  I went up and saw Bình, Ned, Celeste and Janice up there.  I stayed for a bit and then left just as soon as I came.

Visit Valerie

Then I went up to see Valerie to see if she was home.  I got there, rode up the street, and saw some lights on.  I don’t think I saw her room lights on, so she could have been home, or she couldn’t.

While I was checking out Valerie’s house, a white Commodore-like car came coming up the hill.  I was on the grass right out of its way and then it completely stopped right next to where I was and then sped up the hill.  I am thinking it could have been someone who knew me.

That would make this situation more sinister because I am spying on Valerie.  I didn’t want to call her because I wasn’t ready for what she probably would have told me.

Lose Part Of Myself In Deep Sorrow

When I left her house I was very angry.  Thoughts started running through my head so fast that I had to do something quick to relieve some tension.  I got on my bike and rode very fast.  I didn’t know where I was going.  All I knew was that I was flying around.  I was going to go to Imad’s but I passed his house.

I don’t think I was jealous.  I was just anxious to know the truth, because in all three cases of deep sorrow that I’ve had, I’ve lost a part of myself.  It’s like when I lost Lake and Kathryn I got a deep feeling of remorse, while my stomach was feeling something unexplainable.

Visit Campbelltown

I went back to Campbelltown because I saw William going there.  I caught up with him at the back of Pizza Hut.  I talked to him for a little while to relieve some more tension.  Then I started heading home.

Speeding Away At Valerie’s House

I went up to see if Valerie was home one more time.  This time all the lights were off but there was a red car out the front that sort of looked like a Corolla sports car.  I thought nothing of it and thought it was for Carey.  All the lights were off in the house, so if that car was for Valerie then her and Berenice would have been in it.

I was about to go through the walkway of which I came.  Then I heard the car start up about 20 seconds after I saw it.  I thought that they saw me, so I started climbing the hill on my bike as fast as I could.  I got to the top and I looked back and saw the car at the corner.  I turned the corner and I think it had its blinker on to come up the street, so I pedaled faster.  I have never pedaled that fast up a hill but I got up the hill quick fast.

Then I heard the car coming up the hill.  I pedaled even faster and I got on a downhill.  I was puffed, so I went up this hill where I didn’t think they would go.  I was on a dead end street right next to St John’s road going towards Broughton Street.

I sat down on some grass and didn’t hear them come up, so I think that they went around the block.

I got on my bike and started walking.  I then found out that my bike had a flat, so I had to walk all the way home.

Confronted Lance And Gang

I decided to go to Imad ‘s house.  It was a good bet going down the street.   I saw Lance and Homsie and Diamond out the front.  Homsie is going out with Carey.  He is the big pansy from yesterday.

I stopped looking for a fight with Lance.  Lance didn’t even say one word to back chat to me.  Homsie told me to go because he didn’t want any trouble.  I told him, “Do you want to fight me?”    He told me, “I don’t want any trouble.”

Visited Imad

I kept walking down the hill and made sure they saw me go into Imad’s house.  Carey was there.  When I almost walked into the house, I saw the red Corolla park up where Lance was.  I think it was the red Corolla but I saw this blue car come and pick up Carey and her ex boyfriend who was at Dina’s.

Carey asked me how it was going with me and Valerie, so I don’t think she was going to be in one of those cars with Carey, and I don’t think she saw her all day today.  I wanted to ask her if she had seen her all day, but I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on.  I didn’t tell anyone, not even Imad.  Sometimes it’s better left a secret.

I just can’t figure her out, no ring to tell me she’s not coming, she has this guy over yesterday late at night, and a lot of other shit that has got me confused.

Agitated At Home

I’ve written 3 and a half pages on this article, and I don’t feel like writing about the rest of the day because there wasn’t much in it.

I went to get movies.  Keith came over.  Imad rang me because his car was out of petrol, and he needed Rory’s number.

When I got home from Imad’s I was sweating bad, and my tire was stuffed.  No one called me and that’s what is pissing me off.  The thing that is pissing me off and has me so agitated and worried is why hasn’t she called, and what did she do all of the day today.

I’ll never forget what she said to me last night when I busted her with the guys over her house.  She called me in the room, and that was the last kiss I gave her.  I was thinking yesterday, maybe I should have made it better of a moment so I could remember my last kiss with her as a beautiful one, but I was jealous and eager to get out of there.

I just wish all of this was coincidence and she’ll fall in my arms tomorrow, but somehow I just don’t think that will happen.

Planning Ahead

I am going to go over her house tomorrow while she is going to be at school.  I am going to talk to Berenice and see what the situation is, because she will know, and she will help.

I want to go to her house now and see what is going on but I don’t want to do that.  This is the first time I have been put in this situation.

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