Diary Of A Mad Chaos: October 21, 2004

When Tyler did leave our house at 3:50 pm, Cleo and I were in the kitchen.  We sorted out the groceries like prisoners that had been in solitary confinement for a whole month.  When we were allowed to venture out into the sun, we were blinded, unsure and in awe of what to do.

I was never uncomfortable alone with Cleo.  Each of us attempted to be as vivacious as we were when with Tyler there, but in loyal dynamics, Cleo would make references to her boyfriend and made wisecracks, which involved him.  I reckon she was too intimidated to speak in directness with me, so we preoccupied ourselves because I was uncomfortable as well.

I realize that when people are nervous, people clean and tidy up.

“Man he makes such a mess,” Cleo said of her boyfriend, as she then organized the cupboard into a neat pile to be preoccupied for five minutes as we spoke.  This was her escape.

The Shadow Of Tyler

I feel like the shadow of Tyler was over us even while he disappeared.  But while it made me conflicted for a while, I knew I should never conform to the insecurities of other people.  I should be me and not a scaled-down version.

I should never have to be taboo around Cleo and I should never have considered desertion to walk upstairs with an excuse to write in my memoirs all to appease the shadow of Tyler.  I could have walked upstairs to avoid the inevitable but what I did learn from the firebrand that called me a faggot is that you never show fear or intimidation because you are unnatural and contrived if you do.

Accidentally Brushing Cleo

We cooperated in such an intimate space called the crowded kitchen, as I would hand Cleo some items to place in the upper cupboards near the stove because she was closer and she would hand me emptied plastic bags because I was closer to the kitchen basin.

I often preach how proximity works, where when one is so physically close to another, tendencies are much more curious.  Proximity works and because we were alone we were allowed to explore this phenomenon.  But in our case, we were so nervous from taboo that we distracted ourselves with constant chatter and the chore to sort all the groceries.  But there came a brief millisecond where when Cleo offered me some small item and in careless chatter, an inadvertent touch of hands was made.

The skin of my hand was as subtle a brush on hers but how in our curious tendencies it did resound.

Never to have the time to blink, we carried on as normal but this moment was conscious for some vivid reason.  It seemed to calm us down and make us speak and feel more comfortable.

All we did was touch hands but I later realized that even while we only relaxed for a couple of minutes in the kitchen, this was the first time Cleo and I ever had physical contact, and its innocuous act humanized us.

The touch was neither intimate nor was it an embrace but the accident Tyler had separated us from had happened now, and I would have to confess it altered the dynamic.

Unpacking The Microwave

“Well, we may as well load this up and see how it works,” we spoke of the microwave, after Cleo had stored the toaster and all the groceries were finished.

“I may have to use scissors,” I said to open the box, “otherwise if we use a knife it would have to be cleaned.”

Cleo looked on as I eased the scissors in, and then fed up with such nice aesthetic work, I ripped the damn box open.

“I knew it would come wrong side up,” I joked.

Cleo replied, “Nah, it is the right way.”

I made a wager as I pulled the Styrofoam out, and we had our first caper when Cleo had the luck.

“Okay, where do you reckon we should place this,” I wondered, as the counter had been cleared.

“You tell me what you think and then I will tell you what I think,” a dual democracy and ladies first was attempted.

She suggested we place the microwave close to the electrical socket until she realized the cord was an extended one.

“I reckon the toaster would look better down here,” I pointed to where she planned for the microwave, so we spoke of how we could place it in the far corner before we settled to place the microwave in the middle of the counter area.

The facetious manner she was used to in her relationship was replaced by a lighthearted manner.  Soon we looked for new methods of preoccupation and comedic lines, as if we needed them to survive, but the impressions all seemed a little too overshadowed to me.

Testing The Microwave

Cleo read the manual for the microwave as we attempted its inaugural use.

“You should keep this as well,” she pointed to and handed me the warranty.

In a silly manner, I placed the piece of paper in the microwave and said, “Okay, lets cook it.”

I did so as well until Cleo cried for how it should be preserved, but I never did like the role I played in the kitchen, which was more Tyler than me.  I can easily be that person but there was no need to monopolize our personalities as if he were still around.

Nibbling To Keep Calm

I recall I was nervous because when I am nervous I nibble on food or sip on drink, and in this case, I opened up a pack of rice cakes, where there were dozens for me to consume over the hours.  I would be preoccupied and it was a nice form of escape where I could remain focused and in control.

So there I was with rice cakes in hand while we installed the microwave, and then when we ran out of excuses in the kitchen, I finally motioned over to the couch, where I allowed Cleo to take a seat while I would either stand around the room and speak to her or sit up on the arm of the couch but never in this brittle hour closer.

Opening Up With Cleo On The Couch

I am unable to recall how real conversation started where we relaxed and asked about each other but I think we spoke in general for a while.  Then I would say, “Yeah, I heard you were,” this or that, as I then directed questions at her and was surprised at how much each of us opened up.

I recall I placed some music on while I stood and spoke to her.  I would skip the sentimental music for rap or one that never elicited an intimate consideration.  I wanted to be as disciplined and clean as possible.

Cleo Studies Sociology

I think I asked Cleo how old she was when I realized she was still in school, which of course is new to me because Tyler locked her up.  Even while I was half asleep I was conscientious to ask questions and learn never to be perfunctory or bored.

I asked what subjects she studied but recall she did advanced arithmetic and sociology.

“So you mean like psychoanalysis,” I also asked if she wanted to be a psychiatrist.

“No, sociology is more about the study of how society relates and behaves.”

I found we had oodles in common, as I now learn sociology is basically the foundation stone of the memoir, the science of society, the fundamental laws of social relations, where I analyze their development, structure, interaction and collective behavior and how these examples relate to the remainder of society.

Discussing Age

I asked what school she attended and as I spoke of how old she was, she asked me, “So how old are you.”

I was too embarrassed to say but I made her guess.

“I am one year older than your boyfriend,” I hinted before I disclosed I was twenty-five.  This opened us up to some banter to find we had oodles more in common, as Cleo asked when my birthday was.

Discussing Horoscopes

When I asked hers and found that it resounded near around the month Lyssa was born, I said in a laughable snarl, “You’re not a Leo are you?”

“I had a bad experience with a Leo,” I carried on after she confessed.

“I am not like all other Leos,” she replied.  “I am like a lion and pursue my objectives so there is that side of me but we are reliable, generous, warm-hearted and faithful.”

Cleo emphasized on how loyal Leos were as well when I said, “I used to have an ex that was a Leo and she could be a real bitch but there was no question how loyal she was.”

“I am extremely loyal,” Cleo replied in competition, as I prided her on this attribute and said it was nice to hear.

“You know, it also helps when Lyssa had a best friend and my best friend went out with her, so it made it much easier for all of us to be loyal and sincere.”

Demonstrating My Worth

I revelled in the antics we used to get up to, as I sat on the arm of the couch and relived the memories and was full of deep insights, like I were the teacher and Cleo was eager to listen.

I also shared how Lyssa was easily loved because she took me as I was.

“I do not like judgemental people that take one look and stereotype you,” I claimed.  “I think those sorts of people are superficial because sometimes people are complicated characters… like me,” I explained.  “I can be calm and relaxed one day but then I can be shy and panicked on another, so people deserve patience.”

“I don’t like several people,” I added, “but I also understand if people smoke marijuana,” and so on.

Being Seen By Cleo

There is a moment when all conversations turn and people look at each other in the eye for extended periods in complete, mesmerized disarm, where otherwise it would be awkward to stare.  But for some reason while we talk, we are in awe of each other or some spoken words that resonate in our heads.

I could plant this on several reasons in the conversation, where we made our first conscious appreciation, kind of like how we touched hands earlier but now in an intellectual sense.  I could say it was when we spoke on loyalties or how I later said I was celibate on principle; it could have been when I said that the Capricorn environment thrives on one-on-ones like ours, or it could have been as early as when I explained the memoir.

All I remember is that we had a moment that lasted a whole minute and implied so much where we looked deep in each other with ardour.  And while I spoke on, like the lens of a camera, the focus was on the subject rather than the words, which blurred into dim sounds as we concentrated on a portrait inside our eyes.

I know we had a moment in our ability to contain ourselves when unstoppable was our curious admiration, and I believe this moment was when I complimented, “I respect you because you do not appear the least bit judgemental or conceited,” which surprised, she thanked me with verve to continue.

Discussing Celibacy

I suppose the speech on Lyssa and the conflicted manner of emotions inside me compelled Cleo to ask when my previous relationship was.

I explained in no distinguished terms, and in loose deliberation, “Well… I have decided to be celibate for a while.  I have little to offer now.  I live here and you could call me a bachelor but I have to settle my affairs before I think of women,” I explained, as I referenced the memoir.

“I have to catch up on and finish the work on the memoir but a relationship would be hard now.”

I explained how the skill in the memoir had developed over the years and proposed that the only reason I would cease the memoir is if I find a real love to steal me from its labor, “But I would still write,” I said.

Discussing Relationships

“So do you have a girlfriend now,” Cleo was kind to ask, as I said no.

“So when was the last proper relationship you had,” she asked in a natural manner never to stutter.  I was pleased her tact would mean I never had to share or lie about the reasons I chose to be celibate, which would include sex workers and profligate vices.

I had to “hum” and “ah” for a minute more before I snapped back, “I suppose the previous relationship I had was when I lived in the other residence, so perhaps half a year back or a year, but it was never real in the terms that I developed deep emotions for that person.”

Cleo Discusses Martin

Cleo listened on, as she knew I used to live in another house before I moved to this abode.

I believe I never asked whom Cleo dated before Tyler but when the topic of friends arose, she did speak of a male friend called Martin.

“I have known him for six years since I was thirteen… and we dated once,” she paused to add.

Cleo alluded to how the both of them still speak to each other and are friends.  It alarmed me how similar her relationship with this male was with Jewell and I but I never asked much on Martin.

The ‘Friends Versus Acquaintances’ Lesson

I did ask and learn in her humble response that Cleo only has two females she would call her friends but she has more male friends than female, which is when my philosophy on friends and acquaintances handed down to me from Lyssa was shared.

“You know, a wise person once taught me a lesson that remains a measure until this day,” I mentioned her name.

“Lyssa and I used to have parties at my house where we would watch movies and I would invite all these friends over and I would complain about some of them, which is when she leveled and spoke of how there are friends and acquaintances in this world, and you either have one or the other.”

“I never used to think in this manner,” I declared, as she paused in expression like a lesson had been clarified.

“Now I know that friends are the ones that will always be there for you and acquaintances are those people you associate with… so I would say I have maybe two or three real friends and the rest are acquaintances.”

I think this made Cleo feel more comfortable because while perhaps she sounded ashamed that she had no abundance of female friends, I placed into perspective their importance in quality and not numbers,.  She understood.

Discussing Pornography

I have no idea whether this was initial in our conversation or whether it happened nearer to the middle but I do recall that somehow, my pornographic movies became topical.  I have no idea how the topic was broached but it was natural and we had a snicker.

Cleo smirked, “You know, the first thing I noticed after a minute when I walked in here were the pornographic movies.  I told him to hide them,” she said.

I then asked Cleo if she knew a person that would like to unload me of them all.

“I know this one bloke that lives down the road from where I lived and he had like dozens of porn movies but he’s around your age and really horny.”

“I remember when I was eighteen,” I grinned from ear to ear with applause.

Chloe’s First Pornographic Movie

The topic of pornographic movies featured heavily in discussions, where it had a habit to resurface at the end of a joke or some serious discussion.  Rather than ask, Cleo told me how the first pornographic movie she ever watched was when she was thirteen years old.

“I was at this house and there were like four guys there and there was a porno on so I was invited to sit down and watch.”

Cleo enacted how she was a little awkward, as she looked around the room to observe the others.

“I was like, oh yeah… and then I saw one of the guys walk off to disappear, and then another disappeared without a word.”

Cleo of course was thirteen at the time so she would have been clueless as to masturbation… or was she.

“I reckon porno is harmless,” I explained, as she agreed.

Chloe Encourages Us To Watch Porn

I remember we spoke in more detail on pornography.  I never disclosed much but after such a tense sexual day, the speeches and innuendos we made about porn videos caused me to have an excited erection, which only warmed and settled down because I never wanted to defile the day.

Porno was harmless but the manner Cleo illustrated how she would watch porno and joked that we should place one in the video player made me all too tense.

I had to be celibate, disciplined and loyal to a beacon friend… and while mere speech was harmless, I am sure Cleo was as aroused when I drew a vivid allusion to one of the movies.

“I have a special video in there that stands above them all,” I said.

I am sure would have dirtied her mind with an imagination close to her illustration of men that watched movies and then masturbated.

You could almost say we sinned in words, as I joked, “Yeah, there is this one protagonist,” I dithered on whether the masculine noun was for women as well, and then continued, “a chick, and she services all these men in need.”

Cleo smiled rather than pondered, as I carried on, with deep looks over at the video, “Yeah, she sure knows how to do her work, hand in hand.”

I think by now I was seated next to Cleo on the couch, which I did once she spoke of her anecdotes as a thirteen year old exposed to pornography.

Discussing Sports

Once the sexual tension was over, I had a new rice cake, drank some cordial and carried on in our conversation, where Cleo explained she loves the Broncos like me because she used to live In Queensland, and she also had Italian blood.

As the topic of drugs resurfaced, Cleo explained how once she smoked marijuana with her mum but she has never had a vice since.  I explained what vices were, and also the word exacerbate, where I believed possible tensions were soon to brew.

Cleo Asks About The Diary

“So I heard you write a memoir,” she never spared her intrigue once she had the chance to ask me a question.  I knew now that Cleo had asked about me and I assumed Tyler was never forthcoming with his answers, which fed her curiosities.

I gave her a simple, unadorned answer never one with an official line.

“I basically write about what happens within a day,” I shared, as I made an example, “like if I have a conversation with a person, all the dimensions and characterization of that interaction are written about.  I also like to relate information from one discussion to another so a storyline develops.”

I then said an “um” and “ah” and concluded, “The answer is a complicated one… but I have written for eight years now.”

I restrained exhibition and remained within its lesson, which was simple with the memoir because speech of its importance even now humbles me.

Curious About Each Other

I offered Cleo some rice cakes but she declined.  More interested in conversation, now as she spoke I turned the music volume down because we were more comfortable, our walls were somewhat down, some of the myths had been answered or dispelled and more was inevitable.

Cleo and I reciprocated a lot in our discussions, where I would inquire about her life and then she would ask a similar theme of mine.  But our curiosities were so that we asked the deeper questions to embroil ourselves in each other’s lives before we moved onto more menial matters.

Cleo confided so much in me, as we spoke of how she had an exam to do on the subsequent day, and in two weeks she finishes school, where I assumed her love with Tyler would blossom.

Discussing Families

In some manner or form as the hours rolled on and my rice cakes were eaten up one by one, and as I nearly chocked on one but never was there a strain in my voice, the topic of families arose.

I believe I asked how she acquired her black four-wheel drive, as she smiled, “Mum.” Then under no provocation, Cleo explained how her mother and father lived in the same house but are separated.  I failed to understand the concept but she explained how her parents worked hard to acquire a couple of residential houses and after a decade or more, a decision was made to separate.

“Mum and dad still live in the same house but in separate rooms,” she said.  In irony, she added, “Isn’t that weird.”

“You’ll never guess what my parents are like,” I teased.

I explained the coincidence of how my parents each sleep in separate rooms, and how our family accumulated residential houses as well.

In no airs or materialism, I said, “And one day theirs will pass down to us.”

Discussing Family Separation

“My mum dates men,” she carried on, which surprised me, as did when she said her dad also dates women but his previous relationship was a year back.

“I hear them fight all the time as well for weeks on end,” she complained, “and then there is silence for a while.”

“Mum and dad are the same but there are weird times when I see them out in the backyard on a shared blanket and you can tell one of them wants to make a move but it has been so many years,” I said.

“You know, your family should adopt the religion where you can have seven wives,” I laughed off the seriousness.

Cleo never did seem affected but neither have I been from my parents.

“Now my brother and his woman have adopted a similar pattern,” I said I hoped and was careful never to allow this to happen to me.

Discussing Tyler

“You know if Tyler walked in now and heard us talking about pornography, his would not be a happy face,” I sobered up and prepared to be scarce, as the time neared when I assumed Tyler would return.

I had earlier wondered whether I should head up and purchase alcohol or wait for him to return home so we could drink.  I decided to wait because the conversation enthralled me, Cleo and her wealth to share calmed me and I never wanted Tyler to come home and see me drunk around his woman, which would feed him paranoid ideas.

Showing Photo Albums To Chloe

I remember I showed Cleo one of my photo albums but one of the calmer ones and not one of exhibition, where I like to show people Lyssa and the perfect life I once had.

“The pages are sticky because we had a waterbed and water incident when I moved in,” I said.

I showed her all the characters we had talked about.  Scarlett was even mentioned, where I explained the oil burner of sentimental value was purchased for our hotel sex marathon occasion.

“I used to like older women back then,” I expressed, as she looked at me with an odd smirk, and the entire album was browsed.

Tyler Returns Home

Upon this hour at 6:00 p.m. precise is when Tyler arrived back to the abode.  He had an uncomfortable look on his face when he saw Chloe on one end of the couch and me perched up on the arm of its other side in acquired distance.

I said hello and asked how his workout was, and he mumbled some words before he moved to the kitchen.

I sensed an instantaneous drop in the atmosphere upon his presence, not because I was unable to speak to Chloe as bold as I had before but because of the accusations obvious in his countenance.

I had to leave in a natural manner that never raised suspicions.